I am deeply contemplating “all-or-nothing” attitude, which seems to be so common in our approach to things, both in businesses or in lives. “I want to have X, and if it does not happen, then I am out” kind of attitude. To me, this contemplation has been triggered by thinking about my personal relationships and what makes me happy as I embark on a new chapter of my life after losing my second husband to brain cancer in 2023. 

I know some people are better at creating a balance in their lives than others. Some people are better at being whole within, and others need constant connection. 

From a Human Design angle, it is so simple: in the complete alignment state, Generators are here to be satisfied within – in the realm of WHO THEY ARE.

Their version of happiness can look so much different than a Projector’s – who is here to focus on WHO IS THE OTHER, so being locked on another is a natural, even required, state of happiness.

Reflectors, even though they are not so affected by people, still seem to need others so they can OBSERVE, SAMPLE, REFLECT.

Manifestors like their own space, but often, they are focused on others when they know they can MAKE AN IMPACT in those people’s lives…

What fascinates me about marketing and client attraction is how exactly the same elements of connection and the processes of “attachment” form when we are attracting clients, like in romantic relationships. With my RAX of Consciousness in the 3rd quarter of Duality, Bonding and Relationships is definitely the central focus of my whole life, and what I see looking back at my almost five decades in this human life journey is absolutely accurate.  

Creating my online visibility and understanding how the attraction works helps me figure out a lot of nuances in how my personal life relationships work, and my love life drama often shows so clearly the mistakes we make in our marketing activities, especially with the mindset side of things. Both are about connecting to people, and the same rules truly apply.

Let me take you on a journey into my private life

Today’s contemplation about the “all-or-nothing” approach is partially rooted in my own anxious attachment style when it comes to close relationships. A child of a dysfunctional family with a lot of abandonment issues, plus a Projector, being completely locked into the object of my romantic desire is normal for me. The first short marriage to a Reflector and then a 20-year marriage to a Projector only reinforced those constant connection attachment habits. 

In a short time between my second and third marriages (both to Splenic Projectors), I found myself in a completely different realm, with relationship with a Pure Generator, whose idea of total satisfaction did not depend on me as acutely as mine depended on him. 

As I learnt to deal with it, as I tried to understand the bottom line, some interesting insights formed. One was about experiencing massive anxiety, being a 1/3 Human Design profile person, my 1st line Mind enforced by my Fear motivation, which means it is very natural for me to feel extremely unsafe until I get to the concrete understanding of how to operate within these relationships in a way that felt secure to me.

Plus, my Sense variable is Action, which means I have a need to “do something” to heal. One of the reasons I seem to move on in life so much faster than others. I take ACTION, because not taking action is much more unbearable.

But when there are external circumstances that were out of my control, for example in this relationship lines were blurry, we did not see each other very often, there were too many factors and circumstances that limited our levels contact and connection below what is required for my inner security. That is where anxiety got fuelled even more. 

It is not about some societal norms, and I know it was definitely not about me being 24/7 with this new man in my life, like it was always the case before. In fact, NOT being with someone all the time and being OK with it was the bottom line I am so obsessively seeking to find in life. I know it is possible, and I know it will give me so much more security. Even in my new marriage, this theme continues playing out. Being self-sufficient, self-reliant. The 1/3 profile person’s heaven.

Just because something worked one way does not mean that was the correct way, and again, weaving the Human Design angle into it all, I see how Chiron return (a pivotal point in your lifecycle around your 50 years old mark) is such a crucial point – not just for anyone who is a 6th line person, but for all of us. It is the point where you get to check in with yourself- did you find the answers to the questions, or at least are you aware of the questions to look for answers to?

What I mean here is that just because I was used to being all the time together and doing everything together with my second husband, Les, does not make it correct for the life that I am living now. 

But here is a more realistic insight I had – an “a-ha!” that changed the way I look at all the drama in my love life…

If I had it ALL, I would be gaining having another person in my space all the time, which means constantly compromising and validating every decision around shared activities, space, and what is more serious, often around decisions that are not really shared, that do not really need validation, but we still do it out of obligation or trying to include the other. I am not saying it is wrong, but that comes with the “all” package. I have lived it for many years in my second marriage.

NOTHING is just another extreme; yes, you get complete independence, but also no comfort in the connection, no energy exchange, and no support when you are in need of it. No intimate connection. Not having someone who deeply gets you, cares for you. 

And again, what comes to mind is the need to discover the balance, the point of neutrality.

To me, as a Projector, it is extremely hard to achieve a full disconnect from “the other” in a relationship; it does not feel neutral; it feels forced, as if neutral is a point of denial of connection.

Essentially, it is not neutral at all. It is a place where I do not feel SEEN. And that is where the bitterness starts flowing. This is why it is so important for Projectors to practice and master self-recognition.

What are you losing?

And now let’s take all this contemplation and look at the domain of marketing yourself, growing your visibility, and attracting clients. 

With the “all-or-nothing” approach, while it is natural to ask, “what am I gaining?”, what is more important to evaluate (and something we often do not even pause to consider) – WHAT AM I LOSING?

I already spoke about the hyperfixation of the results and outcomes, and it goes hand in hand with the “all-or-nothing” attitude. We want it all. Or at least we are “told” that we must want it by the gurus. 

We want to create 10K months when we often do not know how even to have a 1K month, sometimes make any money at all. 

We want to only attract ideal clients when we actually have no clarity on what we actually sell and who exactly will benefit from it. 

And when we start the journey of marketing ourselves, when that “ALL” does not happen, we give up completely, reverting back to “Nothing”. On the opposite end, there are so many real-life stories of people who get it all but then give up, as it comes with such a high price, causing total burnout. So, having it all is not necessarily a nice place to get to either. 

I love pondering the questions – what am I losing if I get ALL of “this”? 

• What are you losing when your whole calendar is booked with client calls? 
• What are you losing when your capacity to serve those you attracted is at its maximum – EVEN if you are capable of fulfilling all requirements?
• What are you losing if your pricing is too high for your own perception? Even if some clients have paid what you asked?
• What are you losing if your social media strategy requires you to post 365 times a year?
• What are you losing if you are a sought-after expert with invitations waiting in line to book you for a training/speaking event/anything else at all? 

You see, there is also one important aspect of having it all, and it is being happy. So before chasing “it all”, I think defining what makes you happy (outside other people in your life and anything they bring) is so crucial. 

When we do mindset exercises about our brand, in my opinion, it is not about what your brand brings to the world (it is, but not from that angle). It is about what personal values you are building your business on, what you do, and what you are aiming at FOR YOURSELF. And through that, are you serving yourself in a way that you can bring something wholesome to the table through your business? Marketing, and especially sales, becomes easy, almost natural when you know you are making your decisions based on the values that support YOUR happiness first, whatever form it is. 

And when you look at it from that point, you suddenly see very clearly that what you desire is not “having it all” at all, but having a curated selection of elements that contribute to your inner feeling of success, satisfaction, peace, or surprise – your inner signature of alignment.

It is kind of like a buffet table. If you had it all, would that feel like the best approach? Would your tummy be happy? Would you feel amazing the next day? Would your memory of the buffet be exciting in hindsight? 

Or would you rather just pick what you really like and leave the rest? 

In my own business, this is exactly what made a pivoting difference. I stopped grabbing onto everything on offer and started focusing on where I really enjoyed myself and what attracted others, not by coincidence, but because this is where my energy was flowing, and my light was ON. 

Slowing down from the hustle mode was the hardest thing, but over 12-18 months, the evidence was astounding. The revenue in my business grew, and the time and effort I spent on it reduced drastically. “The work does not feel like working” is reality, and I say that with all honesty. I do feel guilty occasionally for “not doing enough” (when my conditioning kicks in, as with all humans), and yet when I look into my account, the “not enough” brought more results than when I was overdoing consistently.

Of course, doing things “when you feel like” is also not a long-term solution, and definitely not when you are just creating what I call your Visibility Castle (more on it in my book, On Visibility That Sells”).

How interesting it is to see how this works in one area of life and yet totally still struggles in the other, as if they are different. The truth is they are not. The approach is exactly the same. Sometimes we do not need it all. We need a “snack plate” from the buffet of life that has been put together with the pickiest of attitudes and only contains the things that contribute to making us happy. RIGHT NOW (because we may change what we fancy in another moment). 

Exercise to wrap up this contemplation

Focus on what can make you happy right now, ask yourself two questions:

1. What elements make me happy? What am I gaining?
2. What am I losing if I have “it all”?

And then a little extra work: put together a list of non-negotiables that you are NOT prepared to lose. Specific things you enjoy experiencing. And then, think of and list things that contribute to your experiencing those elements of happiness. In business. In marketing. In spirituality. In wellness. In love.

That is how, finally, you get your new criteria to aim at the sweet spot that is both realistic and doable, because it is full of what feels right for you.