The “All-Or-Nothing” Attitude – is it really the way?

by | May 27, 2024

I am pondering on the topic of the “All-or-Nothing” attitude, which seems to be so common in our approach to things. To me, this contemplation has been triggered by thinking about my personal relationships and what makes me happy as I embark on a new chapter of my life after losing my second husband to brain cancer in 2023. 

I know some people are better at creating a balance in their lives than others. Some people are better at being whole within, and others need constant connection. 

From a Human Design angle, it is so simple: in the complete alignment state, Generators are here to be satisfied within – in the realm of WHO THEY ARE. Their version of happiness can look so much different than a Projector’s – who is here to focus on WHO IS THE OTHER, so being locked on another is a natural, even, required state of happiness. Reflectors, even though they are not so affected by people, still seem to need others so they can OBSERVE, SAMPLE, REFLECT. Manifestors like their own space, but often, they are focused on others when they know they can MAKE AN IMPACT in those people’s lives…

What fascinates me about marketing and client attraction is how exactly the same the elements of connection and the processes of “attachment” form when we are attracting clients like in romantic relationships. With my RAX of Consciousness in the 3rd quarter of Duality, Bonding and Relationships is definitely the central focus of my whole life, and what I see looking back at my 47 years in this human life journey is absolutely accurate.  

Creating my online visibility and understanding how the attraction works helps me figure out a lot of nuances in how my personal life relationships work, and my love life drama often shows so clearly the mistakes we make in our marketing activities, especially with the mindset side of things. Both are about connecting to people, and the same rules truly apply.

Today’s contemplation about the “all-or-nothing” approach is partially rooted in my own anxious attachment style when it comes to close relationships. A child of a dysfunctional family with a lot of abandonment issues, plus a Projector, being completely locked into the object of my romantic desire is normal for me. The first short marriage to a Reflector and then a 20-year marriage to a Projector only enforced those constant connection attachment habits. 

But now I suddenly find myself in a completely different realm, with new relationships with a Pure Generator, whose idea of total satisfaction does not depend on me as acutely as mine depends on him. 

As I am learning to deal with it, as I am trying to understand the bottom line of this, some interesting insights are forming. One was about experiencing massive anxiety -being a 1/3 Human Design profile person, my first line enforced by my Fear motivation, which means it is very natural for me to feel extremely unsafe until I get to the solid bottom line: the concrete understanding of how to operate within these relationships in a way that feels secure to me. Plus my Sense variable is Action, which means I have a need to “do something” to heal. One of the reasons I seem to move on in life so much faster than others. But what if I cannot move on, can’t take action? What if I am in a situation where I am forced to stay put – that is where anxiety gets fuelled even more. 

It is not about some societal norms, and I know it is definitely not about me being 24/7 with this new man in my life like it was always the case before. In fact, NOT being with someone all the time and being OK with it is the bottom line I am so obsessively seeking to find. I know it is possible, and I know it will give me so much more security. Just because something worked one way does not mean that was the correct way, and again, weaving the Human Design angle into it all, I see how Kiron’s return point is such a crucial point – not just for anyone who is a 6th line person, but for all of us. It is the point where you get to check in with yourself- did you find the answers to the questions, or at least are you aware of the questions to look for answers to?

So with the all-or-nothing approach, what am I gaining, and what is more important to evaluate (and something we often do not even pause to consider) – WHAT AM I LOSING?

Let’s stay with the romantic relationships topic for a second. Sometimes, it gets difficult, and my mind suggests that if I cannot have it all, then I should just cut it off completely… 

But here is a more realistic insight I had. An a-ha that changed the way I look at all the drama in my love life…

If I had it ALL, I would be gaining having another person in my space all the time, which means constantly compromising and validating every decision around shared activities, space, and what is more serious, often around decisions that are not really shared, that do not really need validation, but we still do it out of obligation or trying to include the other. I am not saying it is wrong, but that comes with the “all” package. I have lived it for many years in my second marriage.

Nothing is just another extreme; yes, you get complete independence, but also no comfort in the connection, no energy exchange, and no support when you are in need of it. Not having someone who deeply gets you, cares for you. 

And again, what comes to mind is the need to discover the balance, the point of neutrality. To me, as a Projector, it is extremely hard to achieve; when I try to disconnect, it does not feel neutral; it feels forced, as if neutral is a point of denial of connection. Essentially it is not neutral at all. It is a place where I do not feel SEEN. And that is where the bitterness starts flowing.

This is why it is so important for Projectors to practice and master self-recognition. One of the techniques that really worked for me was to try and connect to ME as a little child. It tricks my mind into thinking I am connecting to “the other” while I am really just recognising and loving myself. I can never achieve it by just looking within and feeling complete; I am not a Generator type. And gosh, how amazing Generators are at it! I am feeling sometimes envious… but only to the point where I remind myself that nobody is designed in a way that is disadvantageous. 

You see I subscribe to the idea that perfection is about uniqueness. Which means that everyone is already perfect the way they are. The Mind tricks us into thinking we are not, that something else is better, easier, more fun, more satisfying, but all of that is a distraction from self-appreciation and self-recognition. And I am not talking about Projectors here – this is true for anyone. Recognise your uniqueness. Appreciate it. Use it as your armour. Align your Mind with who you really are and take control over your life.

And now let’s take all this contemplation and look at the domain of marketing yourself, growing your visibility and attracting clients. 

I already spoke about the hyperfixation of the results and outcomes, and it goes hand in hand with the all-or-nothing attitude. We want it all. Or at least we are “told” that we must want it by the gurus. 

We want to create 10K months when we often do not know how even to have a 1K month, sometimes make any money at all. 

We want to only attract ideal clients when we actually have no clarity on what we actually sell and who exactly will benefit from it. 

And when we start the journey of marketing ourselves, when that “ALL” does not happen, we give up completely – reversing back to “Nothing”. On the opposite end, there are so many real-life stories of people who get it all but then give up as it comes with such a high price, causing total burnout. So having it all is not necessarily a nice place to get to either. 

I love pondering on the questions – what am I losing if I get ALL of “this”? 

  • What are you losing when your whole calendar is booked with client calls? 
  • What are you losing when your capacity to serve those you attracted is at its maximum – EVEN if you are capable of fulfilling all requirements?
  • What are you losing if your pricing is too high for your own perception? Even if some clients have paid what you asked?
  • What are you losing if your social media strategy requires you to post 365 times a year?
  • What are you losing if you are a sought-after expert with invitations waiting in line to book you for a training/speaking event/anything else at all? 

You see, there is also one important aspect of having it all, and it is being happy. So before chasing “it all”, – I think defining what makes you happy (outside other people in your life and anything they bring) is so crucial. 

When we do mindset exercises about our brand, in my opinion, it is not about what your brand brings to the world (it is, but not from that angle). It is about what personal values you are building your business on, what you do, and what you are aiming at FOR YOURSELF. And through that, are you serving yourself in a way that you can bring something wholesome to the table through your business? Marketing, and especially sales, becomes easy, almost natural when you know you are making your decisions based on the values that support YOUR happiness first, whatever form it is. 

And when you look at it from that point, you suddenly see very clearly that what you desire is not “having it all” at all, but having a curated selection of elements that contribute to your inner feeling of success, satisfaction, peace or surprise – your inner signature of alignment.

It is kind of like a buffet table. If you had it all, would that feel like the best approach? Would your tummy be happy? Would you feel amazing the next day? Would your memory of the buffet be exciting in hindsight? 

Or would you rather just pick what you really like and leave the rest? 

In my own business, this is exactly what made a pivoting difference. I stopped grabbing onto everything on offer and started focusing on where I really enjoyed myself and what attracted others – not by coincidence, but because this is where my energy was flowing, and my light was ON. 

Slowing down from the hustle mode was the hardest thing, but over 12-18 months, the evidence was astounding. The revenue in my business grew – the time and effort I spent on it reduced drastically. “The work does not feel like working” is reality, and I say that with all honesty. I do feel guilty occasionally for “not doing enough” (when my conditioning kicks in, as with all humans), and yet when I look into my account, the “not enough” brought more results than when I was overdoing consistently.

How interesting it is to see how this works in one area of life and yet totally still struggles in the other, as if they are different. The truth is they are not. The approach is exactly the same. Sometimes we do not need it all. We need a “snack plate” from the buffet of life that has been put together with the pickiest of attitudes and only contains the things that contribute to making us happy. RIGHT NOW (because we may change what we fancy in another moment). 

Exercise to wrap up this contemplation: Focus on what can make you happy right now, ask yourself two questions:

  1. What elements make me happy, what am I gaining?
  2. What am I losing if I have “it all”?

And then a little extra work: put together a list of non-negotiables that you are NOT prepared to lose. Specific things you enjoy experiencing. And then, think of and list things that contribute to your experiencing those elements of happiness. In business. In marketing. In spirituality. In wellness. In love.

Juliette Stapleton

Splenic Projector 1/3
YOUR VISIBILITY GUIDE

Juliette Stapleton is a Visibility Strategist for coaches and experts. She teaches how to attract clients online, creating your OWN marketing experience that feels good, easy and aligned with who you are and brings results.

Juliette has been featured in Forbes and several major business and marketing podcasts, like SocialChatter, 365Driven, Rising Tide, iHeart Radio, and Confident Live. She is an active contributor to world-leading online publications, such as Entrepreneur.com Influencive, Addicted2Success, Thrive Global, Good Men Project and many more.

She lives in Tallinn, Estonia.

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