This is not an article on marketing or Human Design. This is just a peep into my heart. The transit of Gate 59 (Intimacy) is causing a lot of pain that I am trying to process, and I do not want to project it onto any one person in my private life. So instead, my collective circuitry invites me to share with the world. Out there are both those who feel what I feel… and those who seek to understand it better. 

Last night, a man I met for drinks told me he did some “homework,” listened to my podcasts, read my articles, and felt I was “alone.” And it made him want to “be there for me”…

It stuck with me because I should not feel alone right now. I have recently found myself in the vortex of a busy social life, romance, and attention from younger men that is extremely flattering and self-assuring as I enter my 6th decade (turning 50) and go through massive changes both physically and mentally. My Chiron return is nearing in just less than a year. It promises a lot of interaction and definitely not a lonely life.

And within all that activity, there are moments when I feel more lonely than when I actually had no one to turn to in my life.

And those moments hurt. When I need to be held, comforted, and reassured. Seen in my vulnerability.

Everyone feels lonely sometimes.

But when you have actually experienced the feeling of safety and the depth of ultimate love, when you know its frequency, the loneliness becomes so much sharper.

And the one who gave it to me is… dead. Impossible to reach. He even stopped visiting me in my dreams…

Only those who are widowed know exactly what I feel. The rest are unfortunately clueless. And this is the last thing I would wish on them. To lose what gave you the foundation for your ultimate peace and happiness…

It took me three years to even start comprehending the enormity of what I lost.

It took me another marriage, another “life after love,” to even begin to admit to myself the depth of despair and hopelessness I feel in those moments.

To those who have never lost your other half, this may seem like unresolved patterns surfacing, or that I may be needy. They tell me to come back within. To live in the moment.

And yes, of course the patterns are surfacing – this is what human experience is about – to discover them, to face them, to embrace or release them. To learn from them.

And I do. I welcome those karmic connections that hold up a mirror so I can face myself. I am not afraid to look into my soul. I want to be happy.

But they will never understand what I have lost, what I am feeling, unless they have themselves lost the one they loved. Not a parent, not even a child. Those are massive losses, but of a very different nature.

But losing a partner is very specific. And the feeling of longing for a kind of love like the one you already had known, that similar quality in frequency of it… is often so crushing.

And it is a very lonely place too, VERY lonely place.

But there is a problem with anyone who senses this loneliness in me and wants to be there for me. They do not know it. So to “be there for me,” they would have to step up massively and be in it for me full time. Dedicate themselves to me in that moment. Care for me as an innocent child cares for a bird with a broken wing.

Be patient. Be gentle. Hold space. Protect me.

Not ask me to hold back, to not “rush into feelings,” or tell me they offer me themselves fully, only to be “healed” or carried by me.

I cannot. I tried, but this is the truth. I need to be cared for. Be with me fully. Feel with me. Open up to me fully. Trust me.

I am still broken, crushed by this loss.

I may never recover from it. A new significant man will always have to treat me like that injured bird.

When I show up in the world, I project an image of a strong, adaptive, independent woman who gets back on her feet fast and leads others in self-empowerment.

And my outer shell is doing exactly that. Very, very well.

But inside, I am alone. My wing is broken. I am vulnerable. Easy to hurt. Easy to crush.

If you have been widowed, you know exactly what it feels like.

And if you have never lost your other half – to death, not divorce or breakup – please try to understand that you will NEVER know the pain a widow is carrying. This is not a person to treat casually. This is when you have to ask yourself: Do I have what it takes to show unconditional love and care for this broken heart? Or is it too much for me to bear?

Because this cannot be compromised. Or you end up adding to the pain instead of soothing it.